Post Your Best Medical Humor Joke
As I am counting down the days until I can get Step 2 over with (T-minus 10!), I’m going insane memorizing diseases I will never see in my lifetime. I need some laughs. So I’m asking everyone to please post their favorite medical joke. (And plus, it’d be a great chance to see people’s faces and comedic timing.) Oh, fine, if you’re anonymous, I guess you just can post the text, but come on, video is sooo 2008. (If you use YouTube, tag your video as “medicaljoke” so they’ll be easier to find.)
Either comment or email me the Youtube link or your blog posting, and I’ll start a running list here on this blog post. And if you don’t have a blog, just leave a comment! Please! I’m begging you! Help a guy escape from the hells of Boards reviewing. I’ll start:
There are a couple of “good” ones in the comments to this post:
Holes.
E
A few oldies, but goodies,
How do you hide money from an internist?
Put it under a dressing.
How do you hide money from an orthopedist?
Put it next to the labs.
How do you hide money from a plastic surgeon?
You can’t.
A group of docs are duck hunting, ducks fly over, the internist raises his gun, but thinks “It could be a duck, but it might be a goose, maybe a small swan, a dove, a webfooted robin..” and the birds fly on.
Next flock comes over and the radiologist shoots a duck and then says “It’s a mallard, but cannot rule-out widgeon, black duck, or wood duck… recommend further tests especially an MRI or CT.”
Next flock, the ER doc raises his shotgun, closes his eyes and just starts shooting in the air.
The surgeon shoots, knocks one down and yells for the pathologist to go get it and tell him what it is.
There are more, but I need to get back to dictating…
Good Luck on Part 2 (Do they still have the rule of 2′s for the USMLE? – Study for 2 months for Part 1, 2 weeks for Part 2 and bring 2 No. 2 pencils for Part 3)
Dications can wait…
Orthopod’s credo:
If it doesn’t go easily, force it.
If it still doesn’t go, get a hammer.
If it still doesn’t go, get a bigger hammer.
If it still doesn’t go, get a bigger assistant.
How do you tell the difference between a phlebotomist and a urologist?
A phlebotomist pricks your finger.
Just listened to your joke and it reminded me of the job requirements to become an orthopedist…
“Strong as an ox and twice as smart.”
(And yes, for those of you who care, I am indeed an orthopod, but not nearly as huge as I used to be)
Wow, and I thought I talked fast…
Corollary to Fabella’s:
How do you hide a dollar from a radiologist?
Pin it to the patient.
Guess this is broadly medical:
Three old guys are talking about the problems of aging. “I have to stand there forever to get my pee going.” “Yeah,” says another. “And I’m always constipated, Pitiful.” Third guy says, “Well, with me it’s just like clockwork: every morning at 6 am I urinate; at 7 I have a nice bowel movement, and around 8, I wake up.”
Sorry, not a video or a real joke. Just a few of my favorite quotes taken from medical records (you probably already have seen them, but here they are):
“The patient refused an autopsy.”
“On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.”
“The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.”
A gynecologist decides that he’d had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible.
“200 points out of 100 points possible?” he asks himself. “How can that be?”
So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: “You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler.”
From my high school English lessons – our teacher always thought that learning is fun ;))
Top Things You Don’t Want to Hear on The Operating Table
Look Ma, no hands!
OK – all sewn up HEY! Where did my cup of coffee go?
Check it out! Isn’t this 100 times cooler than using juggling balls?
Wait I just finished, and you’re telling me this WASN’T a vasectomy???
(sings) The left vein’s connected to the right aorta the left brain’s connected to the stomach bone
Don’t worry, I’ll remember how to do it OK think back to that episode of ER
Thank god for malpractice insurance!
I know you forgot about Valentine’s Day, but what is that guy gonna do without his heart?
Doesn’t this remind you of the time we played that game of Operation?
Doesn’t this remind you of the time we played that game of Twister?
Hey! Give that back! There’s no law against drinking in the operating room
IT’S ALIVE!!!!!!!!
Doctor Hannibal Lecter, please come to the operating room, Doctor Hannibal Lecter
Well, on the bright side, I just saved money on my car insurance
Ah well, you win some, you lose some
Organ fight!
What’s that big beating thing in his chest?
What were you THINKING!?!?!?!?!? Oh well, at least he won’t die a virgin
“So Bob, did you hear the news this morning?” “Yeah, something about the sale prices on fresh organs going up ”
Down set hut!
Oh, don’t look so down after all in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and SNAP! The job’s a game
SHIT!!! OK nobody panic, we can fix this easily, we’ll just need a slight change of plans. OK I’ll call Vinnie; John, you hide the body in the waste bin
This’ll be a snap! Ah plastic surgery just like the good old days playing with Mr. Potato Head
OOOH – wouldn’t this be a great setting for a porno movie?
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?
Heehee – that was a good one. Here try this just give his brain a poke riiight there
Hot potato, hot potato
And now presenting: “Trading Spaces: Hospital edition!”
You can’t mop the floor with that thing!!!!!
This is just like learning how to ride a bicycle WHOA!!! I guess I still need training wheels
My wife shared this one with me (she’s a 5th year surgical resident)
“What do a Doctor and a Dentist have in common? – The both applied to medical school!”
Some elderly ladies are having tea, when one says, “Mildred, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?”, and Mildred replies, “well that explains where I put my hearing aid”.
I read a paper recently that points to a possible hereditary component to diarrhea.
(Really?)
Yeah – it DOES run in your genes.
CS
What is the difference between God and Neurosurgeon?
God does not think He is a Neurosurgeon.
I knew a Dr. Paine once.
Ok, I am out of here.
Ciao.
Q: How do you diagnose hypospadias on an EKG?
A: Abnormal P waves.
Q: What did the girl with Turner’s say to the boy with Klinefelter’s?
A: You complete me.
Q: How do you hide $100 from an Anesthesiologist?
A: Put it in the room.
Q: How do you hide $100 from an Orthopod?
A: Put it in a book.
Q: How do you hide $100 from a CT surgeon?
A: Pin it to his kid’s forehead.
Q: How do you hide $100 from a Plastic surgeon?
A: Good luck.
Where do we stand in Medicine now?
2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is unhealthy. Here, eat this root