Hate Comes So Quickly
Or if it’s not hate, it’s frustration. *Severe* frustration. For me, it usually starts out externally: “I hate histology! I hate the spleen!” Then it becomes irrational: “I hate med school! I can’t stand all this work!” And finally, personal: “I hate not knowing! I hate being clueless!”
For today, my dear friends, I began to hate med school.
Now, I know it’s fleeting, and temporary–my demeanor wouldn’t allow anything else–but my frustration grew by leaps and bounds, out of seemingly nowhere. Yesterday was fine. I remember telling a friend “med school’s not as bad as undergrad.” (I know realize I only said this because the topics we had covered had been mostly review and refresher.) I should’ve predicted this as I read today’s histology the night before. I was already struggling to understand the lymphatic system, and class wasn’t much better. We were looking for cellular components of slides that were infinitely indecipherable. You look at a microscope for so long, and the dark pinks merge with the light purples and everything just becomes a blur.
Then came anatomy; the dissections seemed reasonable enough in lecture: examine the posterior and superior mediastinum–find the major blood vessels and nerves. Reality’s always a little different story. When your body is tumored from the lungs out, and fat and scar tissue covers the part you’re trying to dissect, it becomes a mess of tubes, connective tissue, and confusion. I felt completely helpless; I was so lost that I couldn’t even hazard a _guess_ as to what I was viewing. Is this the vagus nerve? Or maybe it’s the phrenic? Is this fascia or hemiazygos vein? And then tumor after tumor after tumor. (It always makes it much worse when the TA or professor comes over and probes exactly to the right spot. You tell yourself “they’ve done this before,” but it still doesn’t help your ego.)
I got to the point where I just about gave up. I started picking at a blood clot in the vena cava, wondering how I got myself into this mess. Spending my early twenties cleaning out a hearty blood clot, hundreds of miles away from the guy I love, picking through connective tissue, staring at cells through a microscope that mean nothing to me. With formaldehyde fingers, an awakening on the wrong side of the bed, and my expectation that I generally know my stuff, I wonder if I’m going down the right path.
I know I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling completely different, but right now I’m a little overwhelmed (and I know it’ll only get worse). I can’t help but fast-forward to Bard-Parker’s recent frustrations and wonder if I’ll feel the same way. I’m just trying to keep everything in perspective–and remember that I’ve still got friends and family, a roof over my head, food in my stomach, my sanity, my health, and many other things that most of the world–or even the country–don’t.
Update 2004: I noticed a bunch of people are finding this entry through Google. Just to let you know, I don’t hate med school at all. It was just a difficult time–I think something most med students probably go through. Just like everything else, the feeling passed. I’m enjoying med school.
I remember the old “I hate medical school” club. It’s only for two years. The clinical years will be your best learning experience. This is when you really have to work hard to prepare for your internship. The harder you work as a student, the easier it will be to intern. Just survive the first two years and you’ll be fine.
who doesn’t hate med school? what worries me is, will ‘i hate being a medical student’ be followed by ‘i hate being a doctor’? medschool is temporary. medicine isn’t. i lose sleep over it.
mahim, I totally agree with you. Every day I seem to feel more and more that medicine is not for me. Have I made the wrong decision? I think only time will tell. I am going to stick it out, but I will not practice medicine if I still feel this way about it once I graduate.
peace
Actually, if you are feeling doubtful in first year, you better spend next summer thinking REALLY hard whether you should continue. Because it will not get better. Don’t be fooled by those who say otherwise. They say it to delude themselves from believing they chose the wrong path. I had doubts first year of med school, which persisted until graduation. And did extremely well despite being quite unhappy. So doing well does not translate into happiness (as one of the above comments might want you to believe). Medicine is a thankless job. And if you are unhappy, you should be honest enough to admit it and brave enough to change paths. Life is very short. You should be happy every step of the way. If you aren’t, then you should heed that instinct. Trust your instincts – listen to your gut. I have done so, albeit a bit too late, as I now have med school debt hovering over me for years to come. Nevertheless, I am so very happy that I finally left that god-awful punitive world filled with social misfits and psychopaths. My only regret – not doing it sooner.
Dang you guys are depressing! You’re not going to be happy every step of the way with anything. This is the way life is. Med school gets better- and scarier- and then better again. It teaches you to teach yourself how to cope with life. That’s worth my $200,000, even if I never practice.
Medical school does not really get better. Once you are doing your rotations you realize just how unfulfilling the medical world can be. You end up having to deal with way too many attitudes. You have residents, nurses, attending, and patient attitudes to deal with. It get’s really depressing. I wish I knew way back what I know now and probably would not have chosen this field as a career but being as how I have all this debt now it’s too late to change careers.
Medical school is the worst experience ever created. I just finished OB/GYN, and I am so depressed because I hate patients, I hate nurses, and I especially hate my call pager. I don’t see how things get better as a resident when you have more liability. Get out while you can! I wish I had become a florist instead.